Menopause – the stripping of self
As the resident member of Indigo Thinking currently struggling with Menopause, I wanted to take this opportunity, as it is World Menopause Awareness Month, to talk about my journey and how counselling, amongst other things has really helped me to process the fundamental changes I’m going through and understand that I am not defined by this experience.
There are at least 35 different symptoms of Menopause which include both physical and psychological symptoms. I counted mine. So far I’m up to 27. 27 changes to my body and mind that have happened to me without any real warning.
Think about that for a second. How does that information make you feel? Imagine noticing 27 or more significant, negative, and detrimental changes to your body and mind happening almost overnight. Even for me, going through this experience, that’s hard for me to comprehend.
Menopause is getting talked about a lot more now, thank goodness, and it’s about time. We as a society talk about certain symptoms everywhere in the media now; hot flashes, night sweats, mood changes, brain fog, and weight gain. They are common and seem to be more readily understood and accepted. But even with all of that information out there, there’s still an underlying sense that getting the right help is an uphill struggle for some. I’ve spent a lot of time and money trying to find the right balance of medication for me. In the end, I was so desperate, that my options were to seek out private help or consider giving up work, as I simply wasn’t functioning to a level that would have allowed me to carry on. I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t think, couldn’t retain information or communicate effectively.
But what about the knock-on effects of these symptoms, those feelings that I have described in my title as the ‘stripping of self’’ Loneliness: No one understands how I feel. Fear: People I love will leave me because I’m not the same person I was. Grief: Where have I gone? The old me is not coming back. Shame: I can’t look in the mirror, I hate the way I look. Anger: Why me?
For a lot of women, particularly of a certain generation, and most certainly my generation, appearance, image and presentation were and still are intrinsic to our understanding of our identity and our place in society. Strength also plays a part and by that, I mean outwardly appearing to be strong. Messages such as ‘don’t wash your dirty linen in public’, ‘stiff upper lip’, ‘keep calm and carry on’ and ‘just get on with it’ are almost part of our DNA.
But in an ever-changing world, where talking about difficult subjects has been proven to lessen the emotional burden and in turn, help us heal, I have embraced that change not only in my personal life but by becoming a relational psychotherapeutic counsellor, in the hope that I can be a part of other people’s healing journey.
Therapy has helped me to understand how I have been triggered by the changes my body and mind were going through.
My need for control to feel safe was tested, as I wasn’t able to predict or contain the process.
My anxiety around abandonment and my internal script around needing to look and behave a certain way to be accepted and loved were reignited.
Self-worth, which had always been intrinsically linked to image, weight, and physical appearance, now needed to be explored from a different angle, where my authenticity as a human being, my kindness, empathy, moral code, and compassion were highlighted and reinforced.
Vulnerability, asking for help, reaching out for support – all alien concepts to me up until recently were explored and validated by the wonderful people I have recently come to know who see me for who I really am.
Self-Help Strategies for Managing Stress:
I am part of many discussion groups focussing on Menopause and the key messages I often hear are: Where have I gone? I don’t want to feel like this. I don’t know what to do.
Menopause is a natural process that 50% of the population will go through to some extent or another. Through social media, I’m sure any of us who have googled, scrolled through our feed, or searched YouTube will find some information that offers a level of reassurance, comfort and hope, but as a relational counsellor and a 53-year-old woman going through this struggle myself, I would like to offer my take on how you might take care of yourself through this journey in a nourishing, compassionate way.
Listen to your Self-Talk. How kind are you being to yourself? Think about where you are focussing your kindness and if you need more for yourself.
Redirect your energy. Other people’s opinion of you is not your responsibility. You can’t change their views, judgements, or feelings towards you. Let go of what you can’t control and focus on what you can.
Validate your emotions. All of your feelings and emotions are valid. Don’t let others diminish or dismiss you. Cry, scream and shout if you need to.
Be vulnerable. There is strength in vulnerability. Reach out, and ask for help.
Trust yourself. You know you, better than anyone. Trust your instincts about how you feel, and about who and what you need in your life to support you
There’s no denying this is a tough time, but if you are reading this I hope you feel understood, supported and heard. Together we can make sure that Menopause is no longer a taboo subject worthy of criticism or even ridicule. This is a very real, very difficult time for a lot of women, their partners, friends and families and my hope for the future is that we learn to be understanding and compassionate to ourselves as we enter a new chapter of our lives and rediscover our authentic selves.
Author: Paula Haigh
Practice Location: Online or In-Person at Northallerton & Darlington
Top Specialities: Chronic Illness, Women’s Issues, Bereavement.
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